outnumbered as a parent

Parenting a large family can be difficult when you are outnumbered by your cherubs.

It often requires standing alone on issues and if you are tired, exhausted and having a bad day...it is all the more difficult to remain strong...plus children just seem to know when it is the right moment to push for what they want and how to work together to make it happen!

During the week I arose, made the lunch boxes etc....had a shower and came back to find six of my seven cherubs in my bed. They were all lined up exactly like the picture above.

After taking a moment to enjoy how adorable they were, I then knew something was up right away!

One of them announced that they had decided to as a group to stay home from school.

This was then followed up by all six children on the many reasons why this would be a good idea.

I stand in my room and notice the team work and unity they show to put forward this arguement and it makes me smile.

After listening to their arguement, I announce that they are all going to school.

Instead of groans from my cherubs I hear silence. Then they go in for the final push....BUT Mum...we could go to Costco with you and help you do the food shopping.

I start thinking about going to Costco...I start thinking about Costco strawberries...Mmmm...

All eyes are on me and they can see my mind is ticking over about the possibility and brilliant suggestion they have made of making this happen.

Then I pull myself together, smile at my adorable cherubs and announce,
“Almost you persuaded me. Almost. You are all going to school. Now get ready!”

I leave the room with a smile on my face. These kids are clever. They are smart.
They are going to be alright in this big world of life.

They have it together. They know how to work together.
This time - Kids 0...Mum 1.

My vitality project: I want feel on top of the world

Right now, I am on a personal vitality mission.

A mission or journey (kind of my personal project) to help myself live the best life that I can.

After recently falling into a dark deep hole, I am now planning baby steps to help myself.

One of the first activities I decided to do was to go hiking as a family.

To help me feel on top of the world.

I wanted to get outside, to change my scenery and to be surrounded by nature.

I always feel more connected to myself and my heart around nature.

We went as a family to Springbrook Plateau in the Springbrook National Park on the Gold Coast.

It is stunning and magical.

You start at the top and work your way down to the bottom of a waterfall and then walk your way back up to the top.

It was very symbolic for me of my journey recently.

We climbed, hiked, talked, laughed, complained about how our legs hurt and had a wonderful time together as a family.

We reached the lookout point and took in the gorgeous view.

I physically and emotionally felt on top of the world.

I felt hope in my heart that there is a clear view ahead of me.

That there is a way out of this dark hole I feel stuck in.

I know that climbing out of this hole is going to take hard work.

I also felt that maybe whilst I am in this hole that the view might not be as bad as I think.

Participating in this experience has given me the gift of having a visual to work towards.

I can now see in my mind a clear view to have as my goal.

By physically walking down the track and then back up it helped me see that I can do this.

It is not going to be as easy but I can do it.

Right now that is all that I need to know.

the unexpected inadequate life lesson on a massage table

{I am feeling very inadequate about how to share my feelings and of how to write this blog post but I am going to give it a go and hope that it makes sense. We are all inadequate right?}

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One treat I gave myself over the past month was to get a body massage.

It turned out to be an experience that provided me with a valuable and totally unexpected life lesson.

One that I am grateful for and will carry with me each day I am struggling with the madness in my mind.

So imagine I am exhausted, weary and worn out with the mess going on in my head.

I decide to give myself a gift - a body massage to connect with myself, to try to give myself some time out, to relax and to help myself feel special.

In theory this is a good plan to help someone feeling depressed.

However, once I found myself actually lying on the massage table, my mind immediatley began going crazy.

My mind screams that allowing someone to touch my overweight body is a really, really bad idea.

I realise that sadly this experience is not going to be easy to get through.

The lights dim, the music starts to play and instead of relaxing, my mind comes alive.

Like, really alive. It races, it speeds and it is like a radio turned up on full volume. Blasting at me.

My mind begins racing with thoughts of how unfit I am, how much weight I have put on recently and of how I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of myself.

I think of the lady massaging me and imagine what she is thinking about me.

None of it is positive.

I lay there and instead of enjoying the moment mentally tear myself apart.

Then I hear a loud crash.

The lady massaging me knocks over the bottles of lotion on the bench next to the massage bed.

The noise causes a break in my thoughts. They shatter.

She apologises.

My thoughts turn to her. I imagine her criticising herself for her actions.

I see and sense her feeling inadequate.

I smile. We are now both feeling the same way.

Consumed by our own inadequacy.

I relax and the massage continues.

I enjoy the quiet, the lotions, the smells and the music.

The lady moves down to massage my legs.

My mind screams at me. I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs.

The mental bashing begins again.

When it becomes the loudest in my mind....

I hear a loud sneeze. {It wasn’t me!}

My thoughts scatter.

She aplogizes once again.

I imagine her criticising herself.

I laugh out loud.

We are both once again caught up in our inadequacy.

I return to relaxing and telling my mind that nobody cares about the last time I shaved my legs.

I lay there on the massage table and realise that no matter how much I struggle with how inadequate I feel and actually am, everyone else around me feels that exact same way for different reasons.

We all struggle with how inadequate we are in our own ways.

Accepting that we all inadequate is a great stepping stone to accepting my own personal inadequacies.

I felt that I had taken a giant leap in my mind, that the journey of self healing had begun.

Where I thought I would be comforted and find relief physically by having a massage, I actually found comfort and relief mentally and emotionally.

It was a life lesson I needed to learn and to be reminded.

mental maintenance

Hello. It has been a long time since my last blog post and the only explanation I have for such a long break is that I have not been well. Mentally not well. Which is so, so hard to type and admit. It is like admiting you have failed.

After all the time, effort, therapies, money, reading, writing, experimenting, soul searching and praying it is absolutley heartbreaking and soul crushing to be at this place. This place of darkness and despair.

This place of total confusion of ‘WHO AM I' and ‘YOU HAVE LET SO MANY PEOPLE DOWN’ and ‘YOU FAILED BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH’ and ‘YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE FIGHT’ that I know is so not true and yet it consumes ALL my thoughts daily.

That place and horrible hole of dark depression that sucks you in, pulls you down and no matter how hard you try to climb your way out you just can’t seem to make any progress because for some unexplainable reason all the good or kind thoughts you have ever had about yourself have gone!

They are unreachable, they don’t exist and even if someone else tries to say them to you, you still can’t hear them or feel them or believe them.

Yes. It has come to that.

Being mentally not well scares people around you and I have to admit it scares me too.

There is so much ‘darkness’ swirling around my mind that it requires a lot of effort just to get through each day.

BUT, even though I feel this way, over the last couple of months I have found some hope.
A way to help myself live and function with the mental maintenance that is required.

I have been working hard on healing and helping myself and really haven’t had time to do much else.
I have found something that works for me and I am putting all my time and energy into making it work.

I don’t know if I have very much to give right now as far as my blog is concerned or as far as trying to uplift people who like to read it but I thought I would try getting back into writing because I love it, I miss it and writing out my thoughts helps me to connect with my heart.

I need more of that heart connection in my life and less connection with those thoughts that try to confuse me.

So here I am with shaking hands, back where I feel at home. Back to my creative place.

I am getting out of bed each day, doing my hair, putting on makeup, wearing an excessive amount of large flowers and jewellery on my clothing, spending way too much time talking to myself in my own mind, trying not to listen to what other people want me to do and try, spending way too much time on Instagram and soaking up the love of my children.

Each day is hard, difficult and exhausting right now.
Thankfully, each day I am slowly getting better.

The mental maintenance is getting easier.

I am starting to feel stronger and I am starting to find myself again.
Or as I have done so many times before, I am become better at creating a new self again.

A Different Mother's Day

This year Mother's Day was very different for me. I spend the whole day in bed sick participating in a very unpleasant coughing festival. Which sadly is still going! Even though I was feeling terrible it was actually one of the best Mother's Days I have ever had. I think it was because my day was very simple and there was no pressure to make it spectacular from anyone in the family because I really wasn't up to it. My day was really relaxed and I enjoyed spending time with my family.

As I was sick this year I also had plenty of time to lay in bed and ponder over what a wonderful gift being a mother to my children has been in my life. It has changed me as a person, there is no doubt about that. I have become far more compassionate, caring, kind, loving, passionate, motivated, determined, charitable and more fun since my seven cherubs have come into my life. They have taught me so much about unconditional love and about getting up each day and simply trying to be the best you can be.

I normally don't ask or expect any gifts for Mother's Day. The only thing that I love to get from each of my cherubs is a Mother's Day card. I love to read what they have to say and I love to see the drawings that they create for me. That is what really touches my heart and is the one thing that I look forward to each year. I thought I would share a few precious moments with you.

I love that Nathan gave me this quote in a frame. It made me laugh so hard. He also gave me the most darling card that made me cry. The big ugly kind of cry. Love that boy!

I love that Liberty gave me this drawing. You know, some days I worry that I come across as too busy, or too depressed or even too sad as a mother trying to keep up with everything that is required of me. When I saw this drawing from Liberty it put my heart at ease. It was a source of comfort and in a way a confirmation that I am doing alright. The picture is so colourful and I look so happy that it made my eyes water.

Eli wrote in a card that 'I love it when you look in my eyes' and Harmony made me these rainbow loom hearts to hang on the end of my pens next to my bed. So now I can work on writing more with heart. 

Another reason that this year was a very different Mother's Day is that this is the first time that I have been eating Vegetarian. Normally Matt will make a roast for dinner and this year he was really stuck for an idea of what to make. Eventually he settled upon making a vegetarian lasanga which the whole family sat down to eat. I was impressed! I also was served up this awesome salad for lunch:

At the end of the night as we sat around the dinner table all of my cherubs and Matt shared why they love me. They slowly worked their way around the table and shared what they love about me as a person and as a Mum. Oh my heart! Some words were so touching and some words were hilarious! It was one of those moments you keep in your heart and treasure forever. 

As a surprise to all of us Liberty fell asleep in my bed at 6pm. She was so kind and helpful to me all day. It must have been hard work though as it totally wore her out!