Monday, July 11, 2011

lighten up or toughen up


Here is the reason I feel very crazy as a parent: I don't know if I should toughen up or lighten up? 

Some days I feel like I am walking around my home having a battle within myself. My private conversations in my mind feel like they are a little Jekyll and Hyde. Yes, I am going insane.

Alright, I already am insane but you know what I mean, right??

My battle goes like this.

When an event happens with the cherubs that sends me mad and crazy, I find myself saying:
"Lighten up Naomi, chill out a little, relax, breathe deeply, calm down."

When an event happens with the cherubs that upsets me I find myself saying:
"Toughen up Naomi, you can deal with this, you are strong, pull yourself together."

See what I mean. One minute I am trying to lighten up and the next minute I am trying to be toughen up. And yes. I does change minute by minute in my home. I am light, I am tough, I am light, I am tough!

I do try to generally have the same positive attitude in my parenting, but some days...some days are just crazy. It does not matter how well planned I am, it just all falls apart and so do I.

Motherhood is an exceptional experience, is it enlightening but it is also emotional.

When sleep deprivation and the stresses of life pile up, it becomes so much harder to stay on the same positive emotional level. Ever since having children I have found that I am far more emotional now and become teary at the most simple events and moments. My heart is connected to seven cherubs now and I have become touched in a very different way. I am not the same and do not expect myself to be.

All I need to do is look at my body to remember, I am not the same woman I once was!

Now, even though I am seeking to get a balance with my thoughts and to be calm and happy most days, I also remember that being emotional on this motherhood journey is alright, it is acceptable and it is O.K. My heart is emotionally connected to my kids. I can't help getting emotional about it.

So, I will keep my insanity as I go through this motherhood journey and continue to be emotional, to be teary and to battle with myself. I would rather my cherubs see me expressing emotion than to bottle it all up inside.

I think it is great for them to see that I have feelings as well, that I do get hurt, that I do struggle and face challenges, that I am working out who I am and trying to be better.

I want my cherubs to know that being a mother is wonderful and rewarding but it is also hard work, it is challenging and it is worth all the time and effort because the rewards of feeling love and joy are so worth it.