Monday, October 10, 2011

a lonely mother


I am a mother to many children and happily married.

But often I feel like a lonely mother. That I am on this journey alone
That it is me facing the world and battling with everything in my path all by myself

Even though I am surrounded by children, even though I am married, even though I have many facebook friends, even though I have many followers on my blog, on twitter and on my Seven Cherubs facebook page.

Even though I see other women at church every weekend and at other activities I attend during the week. Even though I am friendly and chat to new people I meet, I still feel lonely.

I start to feel incredibly lonely when my phone never rings. When I do not get visits from anyone and when I cannot remember the last time someone really asked me how I am going.

I mean really asked me how I am going.

I had a good ponder about this the other day.

I have many friends and aquaintances but I don't feel like I have real friends.

Not what I would call a good friend, who is there to listen to me no matter what, who regularly calls me to chat, whose house I can go to if I need help, who I know I could ask for help and would come right away.

I have women who I just adore and want to have a great friendship with but it never seems to work out. I love the friends and acquaintances I do have but I guess I am craving a real, girly, best friend type of relationship.

In some ways I feel hurt, I feel rejected and I feel at a loss of what I can do better. I remember one lady that I suggested catching up with some time saying, 'I always make time to see the people I want to see and have in my life,' and then watched her visit and become friends with many others around me but not with me. I had no answer to what I could possibly do to become friends with her and just left it at that.

Having a family of many children is hard work and I believe that most people think I am some type of supermum - who can just handle it all. Almost like I have no feelings, almost like: Yes, Naomi...she will be fine, she can cope with anything!

I know there are many women who are living a far more lonely life than me, who are doing it tough and are battling as a mother every single day to be strong and to move forward. I so admire and respect and believe they are doing the hardest work ever. Some of you may even think I need to grow up, to get over it, to stop winging and to just get on with my life, to be realistic and that I am too demanding.

I am not trying to put down those who are really doing it alone, I am just sharing that you know what...even though you can be surrounded by loved ones and have a full life: you can feel so lonely some days, you can hurt and you can feel rejected.

After pondering this I can see that I have not been that kind of friend either. I am always too busy, I am always having to cancel events I get invited to as I normally end up having at least one sick child the day it is on, I am always thinking no-one would want to talk to me or would want to be interested in what I have to say and I have too many children to trade with: a swap of 1 or 2 for 5 or 7 is just not the same! I think for some women, I am a too hard basket to deal with.

So where do I go from here. Nowhere probably.

I will keep living my life that is busy and full...where I do feel incredibly happy and blessed.
Where I do feel loved and supported but also lonely and rejected some days.

Having a large family today is taking a path that is less travelled.
Being a stay at home mum today is a becoming a path less travelled.

It can be a lonely work, a hard work and a demanding work.
Friendships with other women can bring a brightness and sunshine to your life.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I think it is a female thing.
We need that kind of relationship, that kind of friendship.

We need that closeness to know we are not alone, that we can make it each day and we need someone to talk to about our worries, our burdens and our joys with raising children.

I just think it is so hard to find. Great friends are special treasures.
If you are able to find a great friend in life you are truly blessed.

I have not given up hope, I am not moping around my house letting myself get depressed about it, I still believe I have plenty of time left to develop these types of relationship in my life and I love it when I can see that type of friendship starting to blossom. I just need to make the time to work on nurturing it.

What have you found in your life? 
Do you feel lonely and do you crave this type of girly friendship?

Matt says that now that I have posted this I will have everyone saying to me:
 'How are you really going Naomi??" Haha!

62 comments:

  1. I'm not going to ask you how you are really going today Naomi, instead I'm just going to give you a big cuddle when I see you today!!

    I know where you are coming from though, so many people think that I must be a supermum if I look after 5 kids, cook cupcakes and have the floors mopped! They are just things that have to be done, its not like I'm a supermum because I do them!!

    I think its hard to become really close to people when we have bigger families, we have had to cancel so many events or not go cause we are sick but as the kids are slowly getting older and our son started school and we are at church, we are starting to make new friends and spending time with them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can completely relate. I don't have any sisters or close girlfriends and I crave the kind of close relationships that I read other women share with their girlfriends.

    But realistically, my relationships with my husband and children come first. To take time out to have a fulfilling marraige is important to me. To take the time to be & have that kind of friendship is time that I just don't have. So instead, I will continue to nurture and be thankful for what a do have. A man who is my best friend and children who fill my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel the same way, I have many friends but not anyone I can truly be 110% myself with,

    I always feel stuck in between.

    I have GOOD friends but have not had a BEST friend in 10years...

    Sadly..

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are not alone Naomi!

    I feel like this too.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Naomi YOU ARE NOT ALONE, especially today. EVERY mother feels this way at some time. I am so glad to have "found" you and can't wait to get to know the "real" Naomi better!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know exactly what you mean. I have had good friends before but never a best friend, and sometimes I long for someone who I can just be ALL me with. I am fortunate though in that I have three sisters and am extremely close to my Mum and they fill the hole quite well. I tell myself many people would love to have a family as wonderful as mine.... it still would be nice to have a friend though. But I think it is just hard.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are not alone - we have moved so much I don't have a best friend here in Australia and rarely am invited places (just had a big catch up with 2 friends recently and confronted them on this and turns out they are always inviting others as well and like me, often don't get the return invite).I vowed to make a huge effort this year to just put myself out there and invite people (and have done so), it just sucks when the same people enjoy our family's hospitality and then never have us over. Did they not genuinely like us?

    I look back further though and have always had this issue with being friendly/acquaintances with many but being left on my own a lot. Hearing about something after it happens...

    Big hugs. (and even though it is not 7 kids - both those friends I mentioned have 3 -4 kids and feel the same that people often think - let's invite 1 other family, but keep it small so someone with 1 or 2 kids only)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh sweetie! I did a post not so long ago and had so many comments and there are so many of us out there!

    http://to-my-dear-angel.blogspot.com/2011/09/all-lonely-people-where-do-they-all.html

    I go to cafes, alone, and look longingly over at the tables with laughing group of friends. All I want is just one person to have coffee with. Just one.

    Sunday night rolls around, and once again, a week with just me, hubby and the kids.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I could have written this post Naomi (expect for the 7 children. lol). I often feel lonely. I have never had a female best friend. That person to go grab a coffee with or just call at a ridiculous hour and just chat. I've always felt like the Sharon in the relationship (you know, the second best friend). I don't know what it is. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. I guess that comes from a lack of confidence and just resigning myself to the fact that I'll never have that kind of connection with someone. If I was living closer Naomi, I would certainly give you a massive hug...and go for that cuppa.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Naomi, I feel the same way. I've turned into a bit of a hermit living out of town.....I don't have alot of close friends persay, but I have alot of people who I am friends with, if that makes sense..

    I wish I lived near you, we would be very close friends x

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't think I've had a true friend since primary school back in Poland, 30 years ago. Since then, I've made friends with kids from school, uni, work, but none of those have lasted.

    Even the few people I still keep in touch with, don't feel like "real" friends. I don't have anyone to talk to when I feel sad, or happy. I talk to the internet.

    Like you, I haven't given up hope. I know I need to get out more and stop making excuses why I can't. I need to meet new people, who aren't bloggers, although I have no idea what I would talk to them about.

    Many people offer to catch up, but when it comes to the crunch they are always too busy.

    So back I go to the internet.

    I know where you are coming from, Naomi, and I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Maybe it's up to you to organise something at your house? Invite a few people in who might feel intimidated by your super-mum perceptions?

    I'm sorry I'm not next door to be your IRL friend...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Naomi,

    You are definitely not alone. I have come to the conclusion this type of loneliness is one of the off shoots of becoming a mother. None of my really close friends have children and 2 years on, I hardly know them anymore. I get very upset at how lonely the path of motherhood can be whether you have one child or seven, and then my gorgeous 2 year old says "thanks mum, your the best" and I know it's just part of the journey.

    Thanks so much for your blog
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  13. I too often feel very lonely. I don't have children that keep me as busy as you do, but I think it is easy to feel that way, and for other's to forget about you (not on purpose of course). I have made a really huge effort lately to talk to people (especially at church) and see how they are doing and take an interest in their lives and struggles and celebrations and I've noticed it has really paid off and I am alot happier and feeling positive. I hope you are able to to see changes in your life as you keep trying hard. You deserve happiness!!! xoxo

    PS You have a pretty cool husband!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know how you feel too.

    I starting watching my mum a few years ago. I realised that she had devoted all her time to raising us kids and had no close friends at all.

    I don't want that when my kids are grown.

    So I have deliberately started to cultivate a couple of close friendships. I like to think God put them right there when I needed them. I make time for those special people that I wouldn't make for others. I text them and chat to them about the mundane as well as the special. I consciously am the friend I want them to be to me.

    So take heart. Perhaps He has those people there waiting already for you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Naomi, where are you? I will befriend you! I think it is far more common than you realise. I try and fill my day with gym and play dates and playgroup but it is still quite isolating. Hang in there as I hope it gets better when all the kids are at school! Sending love.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow! I can't believe so many of us feel this way. I wanted to blog about this too, but have chickened out. I have lots of friends and aquaintences, but I find it really hard to confide in others in a way the close girlfriends do. I also don't have a sister and am not close to my mum so it has been something that has been getting me down for a while now. I know a few of my "old friends" - I've known 20 years+ would tell me I should have told them this as they would be able to help, but I kind of think if it was going to happen it would have by now. Maybe we all need to come up with some ideas to help each other...?

    ReplyDelete
  17. OK Girls - I'm saying this with loads of love and can - because I've been there.
    First step - go to the mirror and say hi to your new best friend. Tell her all about the great things she does and how you love to hang out with her. "Morning Gorgeous" is a great way to start the day.
    Keep it up, you may feel silly at first - but every single time you see your reflection (and if you pass it and don't acknowledge yourself and remembered just past it - go back) just smile and maybe throw in a wink.
    Then start sharing the love. When you see something you like or recognise that someone has done a great thing - pass on a compliment.
    Now if you aren't used to giving compliments, keep it simple (what a gorgeous necklace etc) don't ask where they got it - just pass on a compliment. It will start to change your outlook.
    If someone doesn't accept a playdate/invite maybe they too are innundated with life. If they don't invite (or you don't invite) - they may not be comfortable with others in their home - just don't doubt yourself. A separate location can be the winner here (park etc).
    Over the years, I've learnt (sometimes with heartache) that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    When it's their time to go, let them go graciously.
    I was reminded of this last week when an old high school friend rang on Sun night (scared the begeebers out of me - she NEVER calls me!), said she was "dropping in" with her caravan hubby and 3 kids on Tues - but then decided to come down a day earlier. I was working Mon morning, my house was in chaos - School hols, I'd been sick for months - my first reaction was horror - then it dawned on me who was coming and to let it go.
    No pretences, no show to put on - my mate was coming - hadn't seen her in five years or spoken to her in over 6 months - I got excited.
    I felt like I spent the first few days whinging - realised what I had been doing and changed the topic. Life is SO good at the moment and we were going over times that weren't so great. Think positively and make room in your heart - your best friend will show up - but you need to trust that it will be OK. Just be you. Big hugs to all of you :)
    And Naomi, if ever you head up to the Sunny Coast - your kids will just blend in with my 4 and their mates :)
    Feel free to drop them off anytime :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I do think it's so much harder to make new close friends once you are married and have children.
    My closest friend is one I went to school with, although she doesn't live in the same city, so we've lost the closeness.
    It seems that most women either make friends at school or Uni; or as they get older through work - those situations where you are "thrown" together and don't need to make an effort to catch up...you have coffee and lunch together every day, after work drinks and suddenly it's friendship.
    As a mum, we don't have those opportunities as much. The closest we might get is suggesting 'grabbing a coffee' to another Mum at school drop off (which is what I started doing halfway through this year and now it's become routine).

    ReplyDelete
  19. Since Moving to Australia 6 years ago, I feel the same and I miss the closeness of having a friend I can call anytime. I work on my own and care for mum and all the family stuff like everyone else, yet have some moments of such sheer loneliness that I get very tearful.
    I have made some wonderful friends but would still fill odd ringing up saying can you give me a hand? I reallly need a cuddle or a good old vent?
    With my work it's hard as its all confidential,with many different behavioural cases, some which I find very emotional, yet when I walk through the door at home, Hubby has his own work stuff going on, my mum has no idea who I am and I just crry on being mum.
    But I have made the most awesome tweeter/ bloggers friends ever.
    I have also started my Happy place, where we can discuss our happy moments and have a vent too over on my blog.
    Perhaps we should start a skype catch up once a month, where nothing is taboo and we can become BBF's via skype .
    As always Naomi fab post have a great big hug
    Nathaliex

    ReplyDelete
  20. Right there with you sweet Naomi. I think I did better at cultivating friendships when my little ones were toddlers. Now that they are all in school, and I returned to work, it's so different. I crave our family time, yet it's all muddled with activities for the kids. I miss my two dearest friends so much...both are too far way. It's a tough stage to be at...and that is why I love reaching through this keyboard so much. Hugs to you and wish we could grab some coffee...

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's like you wrote exactly what I was thinking! I, too, crave a very good friend, and I can't seem to find one anywhere. At least, from all the comments, you can see that we are not alone in our feelings. Hopefully that can bring us some comfort on our lonely days, and maybe we can all find some good friends right here.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes! I could have (I might even have) written this post myself.

    I miss having a best girlfriend (last year I had 2).

    I'm incredibly sorry that you are feelign this way though. :(

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are definitely not alone..... I'm another mum who relates so much to this feeling of loneliness.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I know exactly how you feel lovely and its hard!
    Ive always had a best friend since I can remember and for the first time I dont right now
    I have a group of friends now which is kinda good too
    We have our ups and downs and when we have the downs thats when I struggle the most with limited family and now it being just me and my boys its hard not to feel really lonely

    Me and you can be besties hehe my boys would love having 7 kids to play with all at once hahaha

    BIg hugs and big loves
    things will start to look up eventually

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  25. How are you really going Naomi? :P apart from feeling this way i hope you are ok.

    You wrote this so very well, you are defiantly not alone in feeling this way.

    Because of my partners job we tend to move around a fair bit. At the moment i live in a town where i have no family or 'real' friends close by and it can feel very lonely at times, so i know how you feel!

    I hope this feeling passes very quickly for you! x

    ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  26. Yes I hear you. Like everyone here I do feel that way ALOT.
    And I do think because I try not to show my vunerability that people think I can cope.
    We have been thinking of moving for my husbands career and will do if opportunity knocks, and my husband made the comment, we've got friends, but it's not like we live out of anyones pockets. And that comment sums it up exactly. I'd love to have someone that you know you can drop in on, on a friday night and a bottle of wine will get opened, just that kinda friendship where randomness is acceptable. I live in hope that there is still time to form those friendships.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I sooo get what your saying Naomi!!
    As a mother of 8 I often dont do anything that doesnt involve my children, I often dont go to things that we as a family might get invited too because people look at me and are överwhemed"by my my family.

    I do have some close friends, but they dont live near me. We normally just do the phone calls, occasionally the skype thing, but its just not the same.

    And Im definately NOT a supermum, it takes a lot of time and hardwork to keep this family running like it does, alot of the time Im exhausted and just want to curl up when I do get 5 mins by myself.

    I would love to arrange a meeting between my family and yours, it would be so nice to go to a get together and not have that look that says, shesh how DO you do it? you must be crazy...lol

    Big hugs, I hope these comments lift your "lonely"feeling in some way xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hi Naomi

    I am not a blogger as I have only just discovered this wonderful world of reading/connecting with other mothers. I too feel the same way and it's great to know others feel the same way ie not just me.
    Does anyone live in Perth?
    Tania x

    ReplyDelete
  29. oh darling! what a horrible feeling!

    I was just thinking that sometimes friends stand back to not put more pressure on a busy mum for their time.

    I hope you can find a special friend, you only need one or two.

    thinking of you xx

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Naomi!
    I had a complete breakdown last year ... long story short, I suffer from anxiety attacks, and severe depression. Before my breakdown, I was juggling 3 jobs plus be a SAHM. So, after months of avoiding everything and everyone, I started reaching out to people. How? By opening MY doors =) I am in a unique position being a single gal to have my door open to all the women that are inundated with their partner/kids/family. They walk in and not have to be 'Mum'. Doing this has been a positive experience all round. Many ladies come by, some know each other, and some don't ... but then they get to make new friends ;) It's funny, because I used to think it was because I was a single Mum that I would get shunned by others ... but, obviously ALL women feel this in some way or another.
    I met my BF (one of them ;) through a mate that was backstabbing her and using me ... so, friends can be anywhere ... Hope you stumble across yours soon.
    x {HUGS} x Lavina

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ladies, thanks for touching my heart with your comments. I am comforted knowing you also feel similar to me. N x

    ReplyDelete
  32. I wrote once that I talk and laugh loudly at playgroup so it echoes into the lonelier parts of my day (which I'm bound to have) and then I feel kind of silly if I've been over-exuberant in a shared conversation with other mums. It's not a nice place to be in... but you're not alone.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  33. I don't know if I feel lonely exactly. I think I feel a bit more like an outsider in a lot of circles. I miss out on invitations to get togethers and other events. I feel forgotten a lot.

    That said, I do have some awesome friends who've been with me through a lot. I'm very, very grateful to them, but it doesn't stop that expendable feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I am very lucky to have one good friend. One reason she is a good friend is because she is so giving. She understands that I don't drive and have four children. She is often willing to visit me at my house with her kids rather than ask me to travel to her house with my kids. When I do travel to her house with my kids, she doesn't freak out that I have twice as many as she does. She is very relaxed about children, so I am able to relax and we can enjoy each other's company.

    I used to feel very lonely because I only had one friend, but I've come to understanding that just one friend is a true blessing, and many people I see who seem to have a lot of friends in actually fact have a lot of acquaintances. I have a friend I can and do call when I have something going on in my life - good or bad.

    If not for this friend, I would have people I talk to online and a few people I can say hello to at the school gate. I don't have tupperware parties and that sort of thing because I have no one to invite.

    I can shoot the breeze with a lot of people though and that does make a difference in my life. I have lived through times where I didn't even have that and I almost died from loneliness.

    I hope a special someone comes along for you, i met my friend online, so you never know!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm hearing you, Naomi.

    When I met my hubby, I more or less stopped hanging out with my girlfriends. We started our family and they were my life. I thought I was fine with that until a few years back when I started really pining for that girly friendship and being able to have girls nights in or a coffee date or whatever.

    It's only been in the last year or so, when I felt I having a nervous break down and anxiety attacks (that I never had before) that I MADE myself refuel those friendships with some of my friends and now, when we can align our free time, a few of us get together regularly.

    I used to feel that I didn't have anyone that I could call and they'd drop everything and come "pick me up".

    If we lived closer, I think we'd be good friends, even though I'd might annoy you ;) xx

    ReplyDelete
  36. I know what your saying... I had a few friends move away which was exceptionally hard... I felt like I had no one extremley lonely... The woman that didn't catch up with you has no idea what she is missing out on.. I think Motherhood is a lonely place and I do plan to write about it one day.... LOVE TO YOU XX

    ReplyDelete
  37. I do understand you exactly Noami!
    I have friends/acquaintances well right now i thought i had my best friend who helped me and i helped her but of late i have been stabbed in the back as miss 12 has her last year in primary school she has been busy and makes excuses now no coffee time at all . I miss talking alot to my sisters and family (had to cut them off) to much interserring with my life.

    I don't go out that much with my old friends cos i have miss 12 to look after and my ill hubby . These friends they don't understand at all they don't invite me out cos well they say your married and i guess they just wanna go meet guys !
    I feel alone most days i have lost contact with many friends mainly due to these people who just call/drop in for hand outs or to find out what's happening in my life so they can go let my family what i'm doing!

    Last week my so called best mate (been friends for over 10 years) i sat down and cried my heart out and told her my most recent problems and had a heart to heart only to find out she told my family everything (This was spose to be so confidential!

    If i lived near you we would go out and do all the girly things we are all needing to do . Maybe i should pack and move heh? :-) xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  38. Yup so so true. That was me two years ago, when I moved into a new area. So many nice mums around but nobody I truly clicked with. Nobody I could turn to if I needed help or rather felt comfortable asking. But, I knew I had close friends who are far away from me, which is fine. That's what I hold on to. While I do get lonely from not getting invited to certain social gatherings at school, I try not to think about it. Naomi- you have us, your blogging buddies. It's not really the same, because we're not physically there, but you know you can turn to us. xx

    ReplyDelete
  39. You come back here or I'll move up to you :-) All sorted!

    ReplyDelete
  40. This is a great post. Because when I've met you, you seem so busy, and you have your wonderful blog, your church, your friends, your family, (seven cherubs), and I am so in awe of you. You seem so bubbly and together. But of course, I forget that we can all be busy and appear to have it all but still be lonely. So if you ever feel lonely, don't feel you have to be alone, if you know what I mean. You have me and loads of other peeps on twitter and in bloggie land and IRL I am sure, who would be happy to share with you and cheer you up or just give you a hug.
    It's funny I just posted that I was worrying that I wasn't feeling lonely.
    I think we just have to give ourselves a break, and a bloody big hug! And chocolate!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh Sweetheart. You know I *get* this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings so honestly and openly with us. You know we only have a few states separating us but our phone-lines to each other only need a quick press to connect. J x

    ReplyDelete
  42. Mum of 5 here. I could have almost written your post word for word. Hug.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hi Naomi, im really sorry you feel this way and for the other women out there feeling the same. I too feel this way a lot of the time. I have a few friends but no one that im particulary close to. I moved interstate 6 years ago and left behind close friends & family and although i dont regret the move i do miss my old life. I have a 4 yo son and earlier this year my teenage daughter passed away after a short illness. We were very close and i cant begin to describe the huge whole she has left in my life. I have felt very let down by people in general as i havnt felt that supported by many at all. What im trying to say is at an incredibly sad time in my life i have felt very alone. I havnt felt like reaching out to people as i dont want anyone to feel uncomfortable. Its hard to explain really. Sorry, i dont mean to make this about me but your post has really stuck a cord with me. Im fairly new to blogging and finding that there is some really lovely women out there and that has been heartwarming to say the least. I dont know the answer to the friendship thing but it does help to know there are others feeling the same. Just a pity we are not living close by. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi, can I just say that I am a Mum of two, and spent two years in Beijing feeling quite lonely being a SAHM during that time. We did attend a small group through our church, and I eventually met a lovely American lady who I seemed to click with and I was blessed enough to be able to visit with her quite regularly. This helped my loneliness.

    BUT loneliness can be felt anywhere and can come quite unexpectedly in situation where you thought you'd be ok. It's happened to me recently at our church (back in Australia now) where we've been attending for some years. I went to a Sunday night service leaving hubby at home, and never felt so lonely in years in what was such a big crowd. wow. I was a bit blindsided by it and took me a while to process my feelings. I stood alone quite a bit while others were in groups. I felt alone, lonely, embarrassed and invisible. Yes maybe it's partly my fault. But I am always conscious of others' feelings and would like to think that if I saw someone else by themselves that I would go up and start talking.
    I'll leave it there. Thanks for listening.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  45. hi lovely...very big and true words...

    when we first moved to the UK with the 3 kids in tow- i seemed to be the only person in the family without a real friendship outside of *us*...

    the kids made friends quickly at school, as kids do, and Ritchie made them at work in all different ways...but i recall 6 months into our move here- just crying with R that i was lonely...lonely for a friends i could call my own...

    i needed someone that added to my life here emotionally in a way the family could not...so i totally understand your words...

    eventually i got those friends...i only have a handful of them here and at home- *real friends*- and it takes a lot of time and love and commitment to maintain both when so far away from some...

    i have no expectations of my english friends here...i think i'm just so thankful to have them...they are wonderful women who i will be forever dear friends with...but it's a new kind of friendship for me- one where they invited me into their lives when i arrived on their geographical doorstep....i treasure that they were the confident ones..open to a new friend from a foreign shore...

    i'm rambling with no answer- needless to say- i'd take you and your kids living next door to me and mind any day!

    Melissa xxx

    ReplyDelete
  46. (hugs)
    I don't know what to say but I'd be your friend any day.

    Gosh I could write this about me too (except for the large family bit - impossible unless I foster /adopt a few more kids) I feel like I've lost all my close friends the last few yrs.

    They have moved on, their children grown or they are just BUSY or needy themselves.

    I feel lonely a lot and twitter/FB and my in the computer friends do help me feel a little less -even if superficially.

    ReplyDelete
  47. My gosh.

    I have a lump in my throat because ... this sums up how I feel, & where I'm currently at in my life.

    My friends don't yet have children, so I honestly feel 'forgotten' these days when they make plans etc.

    I guess they think, Cherie won't be able to come as she has the baby, so they don't invite. And I sit at home a lot, missing that girly connection that we ALL need in our lives.

    You're right ... You can be surrounded by SO MUCH LOVE, & yet feel so lonely.

    And you feel guilty admitting that because you feel like you should feel blessed.

    Thank you for writing this post, I didn't realise how much I really needed to read something like this.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  48. i'm hearing you Naomi... alone, lonely and the wondering why when their is sso much love and life happening around you.

    Sometimes people just don't get it.

    But to acknowledge this in yourself takes strength and courage. Thanks for being so honest and putting it out there to encourage us all to do exactly the same thing!

    x

    ReplyDelete
  49. Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt this way! I have many friends and acquaintances but no 'girly best friend' who is always there no matter what.

    I have wonderful friends within my 'army wife' network, friends who I would call great friends because we can relate with each other so well as know one else (outside the army life) can. We have stuck together and have all been lucky enough to spend a good year or two together. But that is all about to change, at the end of the year, as they are all leaving, and I will be left behind to make new friends...all over again. The only person who comes close to being a true friend ...and I never thought I would ever say this...is my sister, but she is moving 10hours away in less than 3 weeks!

    I've been feeling very lonely lately and can't stop thinking about the inevitable at the end of the year and now the shock move of my sister.

    I my heart just aches at times so I am giving you a massive hug, because that's just what I need right now.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Thank you so much for writing this post..

    It's so true to many of us (obviously). And this is the reason why My husband and I decided to move back to our home town where all the people we grew up with and our family are.

    Big hugs to you Naomi, you're a lot stronger than me...

    ReplyDelete
  51. I hear you Naomi. Hang in there as you think on all the other lonely mothers out there who are empathizing with you right now!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Well, I'm not a girl and I'm not craving girly relationships as I have the best wife a man could ask for, BUT, I think I can relate too. Now with technology, and our go getter society that has everything instantaneous, everything is about entertainment often the simple things of life get forgotten or are squeezed out and don't get any air time.

    e.g. one example I see of this is on facebook when it's someones birthday. It seems peoples idea of being a 'friend' and wishing them well on their birthday is to post on their wall something for everyone else to see.

    I think real friends pick up the phone, visit in person or write a letter in private to show they care, and they aren't doing it to be seen by others etc. social media has it's positives but there are many negatives that are less spoken of and sometimes we maybe more 'social' but less 'friendly' or 'genuine'or sincere etc. real friendships take time and effort by both parties in my opinion.

    Great post Naomi. Love how genuine you write and share what's going on with your life and family.

    Take care
    Shane

    ReplyDelete
  53. Motherhood is hard work no matter how many cherubs you have, im surrounded by friends but count very few as true goto girlfriends and only one or two id spill all to friends. ive also found in the past many chaser friends you know the ones that the minute you stop so does the friendship, because they arent willing to do or go out of their way for you as they expect from you.
    The best advice i received was learn to enjoy your own company then others will too! ooh and read the book-
    You Sexy Mother
    a Life-changing Approach to Motherhood

    By Jodie Hedley-Ward

    ReplyDelete
  54. I know! This twelve months has been the most demanding where I have felt like chucking in the towel. And for good reason. If it was not seeking Jesus, looking to him admist the storms and resting in his presence. Having his peace, while crying out for the waves of demands to decrease only to watch them grow with intensity. I would be a empty shell, lost, emotionally bankrupt, sick and having a nervous breakdown. Next year looks in the physical, it looks worse and absolutely impossible! But with God all things are possible. Thanks be to God.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Motherhood can be the loneliest job in the world...but call people, ask for help, give them the good and the bad. as women, we are always so good at pretending everything is fine (why do we have to be superwomen?). A little honesty opens the door to everyone else to be honest....and from there comes love, laughter and enduring friendships.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I have no friends :) A lot of fake friends, but no real ones. That is just life. It is kind of a good thing, because in a way it is empowering to know I am the only one who can help me. I haven't believed in a god for a long time.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I am a single mother (have been from day one) so am doing it all very alone. Not that it bothers me. I moved a couple of years ago and in this new place have no friends, I love the place but would be nice to have other mother's to talk to. My daughter started school this year and thought it would be the perfect opportunity but due to study it was really hard and they have all sort of clicked and gotten to know each other while I was busy studying, and well the class were all young and immature and really hard to click with as well. I started thinking it was me, although I have made a couple of friends but they have older kids and it just isn't the same. I think sometimes you just have to be thankful for what you have, forget what you haven't and enjoy the ride!

    ReplyDelete
  58. Hi :) and hugs. I love meeting similar strangers.
    I'm a mum to 5
    married
    I used to go to church & sadly believed I had friends
    until I voiced an opinion on a current issue & (oh yeah, facebook) voiced my disappointment that my pastor was preaching hatred. I haven't heard from my 'friends' since.
    ouch, I still feel the pain.
    although my hubby disagrees, I'm SO GLAD for my online friends
    I love them & feel for them & share with them
    but I'm somewhat protected from hurt.
    Is wifedom/motherhood our time to truly become 'self' sufficient - even though my husband supports me financially (100%, I haven't worked for as long as I've had kids); emotionally I'm totally alone.
    There you go, I suppose our loneliness also leaves us selfish, I've read through my musings & noticed it's all about me...
    When all I really wanted to do I say, Hey girl, I'm hearing you & sharing your pain! Have a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi Naomi, thank you for writing this. Just today I was thinking "is it just me?" - I seem to be always the one doing the inviting. I even started a monthly mummies dinner about 18 months ago, but I know exactly how you feel, like I should just stop being silly, I'm 40 and should just get on with it but yes, I feel the need for that close female friendship with one or two others, and realise, as you say, that there are those who are friends and we have not developed the closeness. Also another issue, we have never invited people for dinner as our dinnertime is not something I would wish on people! Plus my son would go into meltdown pretty much every night until he was 4 = it was something we wanted to get over and even today, it's not as bad as it was, but it is still not a pleasure to eat dinner here. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for writing this (((HUGS))) you are not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Naomi, this is how I feel. I'm a mother of 3 beautiful princesses and have a wonderful husband. But, working full time I certainly feel lonely and isolated. I do have friends but they either have adult children or no children so are not at the same point in their life as me. I always thought I would have friends I would make as my girls got playgroups or Kindy etc. But, because I'm the mum rushing off to work and not able to stop and chat in the morning those relationships haven't formed & attending the occassional birthday party I'm the outsider and like you I will chat and strick up a conversation. But somedays it would be nice to have that girly friend that I miss so very much.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Totally get this. I just seem to miss the mark now I'm a Mum. It was always do easy for me as a child, teenager and young adult.

    In my case I think it comes down to my husband being a difficult person. We are a mismatch from an outsiders perspective. He is not social and is very difficult to get to know. He puts people off. I'm open and friendly. Most of the people I meet are through my children and it seems that they have partners who actively participate in their wife's friendships and attend things with them. It's tough. I never know if I can get mine to go or if he does, play nicely!!

    I have a true friend who I know will drop everything because she has, to come to my side but she is really high maintenance and I have backed off. It's ironic.

    Today I met the Mum of a new boy in my sons class and she and I seemed to click. Maybe...

    ReplyDelete
  62. Amen ! I am sending this article to my hubby so that he will understand that this is how I feel. If you saw me at the school, or walking around my neighbourhood, you'd think that I was the belle of the ball. People calling out my name, everyone stopping to chat me up. I have a thousand acquaintances (or so it seems), but not ONE serious friend. I am Miss Popularity and can trade jokes and one-liners with everyone I meet, and yet when I am having a bad day, and need someone to pour my heart out to, the sound of silence is deafening. It is my fault, I think...I don't know...I try, but maybe I seem too desperate ? Not sure. Will keep trying though--

    ReplyDelete