Thursday, January 12, 2012

some days I look in the mirror and fail to see any good


Some days I wake up and look in the mirror and fail to see any good.

As soon as I sit up in bed to greet the morning, the mind games begin, immediately crushing my desire to have a good day.

I shake my head, tell myself today is going to be a good day, it is a fresh start and get out of bed.

I shower, get myself ready and as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I wince.

I lean closer to the mirror, look deep into my own eyes and fail to see the good.

I know I am loved, I know I am of worth but I fail to feel it.

I hang my head and try to stop the tears.

In my mind I start to remember all of the mistakes I have made.

My mind is in a fog, it can only see the bitter and not the sweet.

I get myself dressed and I wear an outfit that helps me to feel happy.

I add a piece of jewellery to make me smile.

Necklaces are my favourite.

When I look down, they are the first thing I see.

I go out to help my cherubs with breakfast, I look at them and my heart melts.

I tell them they are wonderful, they are gorgeous, they are brilliant and can do whatever they desire.

My HEAD tells me to not even try, I am a failure and I am ugly.

My HEART tells me to give it a try, I am good and I am beautiful.

Such is life with depression. It is real.

It is a battle with the heart and the mind.

It is a cycle that continues to rotate, day after day.

Always the same thoughts, always the same feelings.

Bitter with no sweet.

Just when you feel like you are taking two steps forward you end up taking three steps back.

Now I know some of you might look at my picture above and think, 'How can you not see any good?'.

Depression can affect anyone regardless of their situation in life and regardless of what they look like.

The fog clouds your mind, it affects your thinking, it affects your outlook on life and especially your outlook on yourself.

It affects your mothering and it affects your relationships.

Seeking help and support is one of the key factors to progress and healing.

If you are feeling depressed and failing to see any good in yourself, I recommend seeking professional help and at least spending some time over at beyondblue to acquaint yourself with the signs and symptoms of depression.

Click on the depression tab on the left of the website and get started on the road to helping yourself.

This year on my blog I am going to write about depression, mixed with my happiness posts.

I want to share with you some of the experiences I have had and some of the ways I have helped myself to feel better.

I am not a professional, I am a stay at home mum with a bunch of cherubs who I adore like crazy.

I am generally very happy with my life.

I adore my husband and children and the wonderful opportunities that come my way.

I still have days where I battle depression. I still fight it.

I fight it hard. I will not give up.

I am determined to win it for good.

I have hope.

I believe it is possible to overcome and that is why I am a seeker of happiness.

{P.S: I wrote this post to share and to connect. I wrote this post to hopefully help others who may be feeling this way. To let them know they are not alone. I did not write this post to get praise.}

74 comments:

  1. Sent shivers, i battle with this everyday, and for a very long time i could'nt accept what it was... You cannot defeat what you dont acknowledge xx amazing an beautiful post straight from the heart Thankyou

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    1. Acceptance really is key isn't it. You can move forward and start to get help that way. N x

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  2. Just when you feel like you are taking two steps forward you end up taking three steps back.


    This to me sums up depression, you never feel like you are making any real progress..Just as you think you are better it knocks you back down..

    I believe it can be overcome, and Im going to be it too!! one day.. just keep on keeping on Naomi!! xxx

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    1. That step situation is one of the saddest for me. I have to really push myself to get ahead but I find it is worth the effort when I do. N x

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  3. *hugs* Same here. Depression is hard to shrug off.
    I think the high expectations that society has for us is one of the causes of depression. Look in the mirror and be amazed with yourself for waking up that morning. Sometimes, that's enough to make the day a success.

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    1. The pressure on mothers to do it all and be it all really does contribute for a lot of women. I try to ignore all of that. Having lots of cherubs really helps me in that way xx

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  4. Another, who struggles but won't give up.

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  5. Naomi, I think you might be surprised at how many women will identify with this. Negative talk has run through my head a lot lately. Necklaces make me happy, too (as do my gorgeous children).

    I'm glad you're sharing this on your site. I think it can only be good. x

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    1. thanks lovely. I don't know we talk to ourselves in such a bad way. we normally would not do it to someone else but for ourselves...it seems to be alright. I am working on that more.

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  6. This is a beautiful insight into depression. How honest, thank you. It is so important for people struggling with depression to know they are not alone. We think many people will find this post helpful.

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  7. Thanks, Naomi.

    It's a tough gig.

    I wish my heart would melt when I see my kids. I wish my heart would tell me different to my head.

    I'm sorry you have to live with this. I'm sorry any of us have to.

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    1. Thanks Dorothy. I think that if we all had less pressure on us it would be so much easier to listen to our heart. Blocking those feelings is a way to be kinder to ourselves some days...or so it seems. N x

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  8. I accept it is a battle I will fight long term and hope that the work I am doing on myself now (letting go of perfectionism, expectations, need of other's acceptance and inclusion etc)may bring longer gaps between these feelings. I hope you wake up more days feeling that you are worthy and good! It is a battle in our own minds and I know we can win.

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    1. I have been impressed by your efforts Deb. Keep going, we are all with you xx

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  9. Yep to all of that, thank goodness for my kids and medication for me they keep me going :)

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  10. Thanks for sharing Naomi. I had PND after my 2nd bub and it was such a hard time. I didn't recognise the signs and my family were worried but didn't want to say anything for fear of upsetting me. In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong, and they should have said something. Thankfully I was able to acknowledge it, work with it and its taken 2 years, but I now feel almost 100% 'normal' and only rarely have days like that rather than it being a common occurence. I feel for those who suffer long term and my heart goes out to anyone who has to experience it at all. xxx

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    1. Thanks for sharing your journey Mel. Love that you are feeling so much better and that you accepted it and worked on yourself. How wonderful xx

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  11. Thanks for writing this post Naomi xx

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  12. Lovely, I'm just on the other side of it now....I think....hugs to you.....

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  13. You remind me of the saying "from the deepest wells come the most beautiful jewels". I know you're not after praise (God bless you)but I truly admire you. You will change lives sharing like this and that is something that is eternally beautiful. Depression is horrible but real and you are a warrior on the side of good :) LOVE YOUR WORK NAOMI.

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    1. Love that saying Caz and love the thought of being a warrior :)

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  14. Thank you for sharing this Naomi - it makes me feels less alone!

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  15. Thanx for your honesty. I just want to share what has helped me. I have had similar issues for years and tried everything - but the most helpful has been Eckhart Tolles work. It gets me out of my head and really into my heart and has made me see a whole new perspective on life. I can observe the mind more and laugh at it's antics and realize those thoughts aren't me. Anyway, there's alot more to say than this but I'm writing on my phone. It's all personal too; but I wanted to share in case it helps. Best of luck

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    1. Thanks for sharing your experience. Love that you are listening to your heart more xx

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  16. I am the same, everyday a struggle. Nailpolish makes me smile :)

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  17. I know how you feel. It is a horrible battle. It is good you are able to support your children and find little things such as necklaces that help.

    I think the best way to help others is to share this part of ourselves, which is why I shared my story last year too.

    Take care of you. x

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  18. Thanks for sharing. It is imperative to get help and talk to someone if you feel at all like you may have depression. I didnt and ended up self harming. I still find it hard to express how i feel. But im working on it, 10 years later. You are beautiful, caring and generous.

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    1. Oh Amanda. My heart. Self harming is another level. So love that you are working on it. Keep going, keep talking about how you feel. Thank you for sharing your heart here xx

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  19. I am like this and i have been like this for 3 years .
    Most days i wanna just walk on to the busy road and wishing i was hit by a truck just quick and pain free :-( (That's just most days) My Mirror always makes me feel yuk and horrid i have now covered it up until i can uncover it and look and feel like life!

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    1. I hope you can uncover that mirror soon Dannie and see some good xx

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  20. thank YOU for sharing ladies xx

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  21. Depression is crippling. And it is hard to get through it. I am learning to not be ashamed that I have suffered it. It's not a sign that I am weak. Thank you for sharing Naomi, and for being brave enough to do so. As always, I love what you write here. Honest, true and with the aim to help others. I know you don't want praise - but I am going to give it - because you deserve it and because it is true. You are doing good. Here. And in your life outside of this blog. You are so generous with your truth, your time. And it is obvious that you take your role as mother seriously, and you do a fantastic job with your kiddos. xx

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    1. I agree. You are not weak for being depressed. Thanks for your comment lovely xx

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  22. Beautifully said Naomi. There are so many people who think that depression that is something that can be 'snapped out of' with a bit of positive thinking.

    One of my most beautiful, dearest friends suffers from terrible depression and Every. Single. Day. is the hugest battle for her. But every single day she does what you do - she gets out of bed and takes the day on. I think she is one of the most amazing people in the world. And I think the same of you too :)

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    1. I used to be one of those people myself. You know, get over it, pull yourself together, kind of thinking. Boy have I learnt some hard lessons! Love that your friend takes on each day. It is the only way xx

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  23. Two things that stand out to me, firstly 'fog' that is exactly how it feels sometimes, not a definite feeling or sensation, just clouding your judgement and affecting your thinking.

    Secondly my heart goes out to those who don't have little people in there life to lift them up and show them love. If you don't have someone close to you it must be so much harder. I try to stay connected with my single friends and talk about my depression to give them an opportunity to share.

    Great to be in a 'community' that supports and accepts.

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    1. Yes, that darn fog makes decision making and every day tasks so difficult some days. My heart goes out to those people as well. N x

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  24. It is a great gift to be able to write from the heart like this. I easy to relate. Lipstick and nail polish make me happy. Thank you for sharing. Rachel xx

    Www.redcliffestyle.com

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  25. I can totally relate. I think we both, and everyone else, needs to listen to our hearts. Make our hearts scream out the doubts of our heads.
    Love xxx

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  26. Thankyou for sharing. I too am in that headspace alot of the time. Some days are great, others not so great. For me if I exercise each & every day, it makes the sadness stay away :)
    xx

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    1. Exercise makes a huge difference to keeping the depression away. Totally agree!

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  27. I feel like this on a lot of mornings too. I am caught unawares by the rewind of bad times in my head, sometimes when I'm driving, reading a book, doing the housework.

    It's hard work. Some days I don't make it far out of bed, but there are so many less of those now.

    Thankyou for sharing x

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    1. So glad those days are less and less Natalie. It is hard work and it sounds like you have been working hard. Well done x

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  28. I love your writing & I love your honesty!
    Keep shining Naomi. You're gorgeous & an inspiration!
    xx

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  29. Yes. It's the drudgery of knowing I will wake up feeling the same way I went to sleep. That no matter my intentions, I won't be good enough. Tough enough. Strong enough. I'll never be...enough. For me. SO how can I be for anyone else?

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    1. You are good enough and tough enough. I have seen how tough you are. You amaze me!! N x

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  30. Thanks for sharing this. I feel the exact same way some days, and I never thought about it being depression before. I will definitely have to look into it more.

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  31. I was diagnosed near the end of last year as having mild-moderate depression tied in with the early stages of agoraphobia and of having panic attacks. I was 3 weeks into the sessions when I was sick again and couldn't continue, I plan on going back this year. I still have issues, I have no motivation, no energy, no will power, I have no insentive to do anything and avoid activity as much as I can.

    For the 1st time in 3 years I went shopping just before Christmas, I haven't seen the inside of my local Safeway (Woolies) in years. I know all the local store owners, yet I still can't walk in there to say hello, they all know my husband.

    My depression affects everyone around me, my husband and son most of all. Unfornately that knowledge makes it worse, I can't "rally" to change, I feel bad for burdening them.

    What you have shared with us Naomi is wonderful, I am truly grateful and honored that you have shown us a part of you so deeply personal. xox

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    1. I love that you are thinking about getting some more help. Do so if you can. I also love that you went out shopping. Make another time to get out and do it again :) It does affect our relationships and for those who love us anyway, they are special treasures in our lives. N x

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  32. Thanks for sharing Naomi - I understand your words and know how hard it is to see good in oneself. But I don't feel the hope you do and I don't see the point in seeing professionals - they can't stop the fact I have to work ridiculous hours to support my family meaning I never get to play (with my kids let alone alone) or have my dream (being home with my kids as an involved mum). If I could fix all that (and actually have time to see a professional or even think) would I have the same symptoms, am I actually depressed or just struggling with a horrible life?
    Sorry to be negative when you're trying so hard to pull people up - I'm just having a crap day and this is the first support I've really felt in a while so it's pouring out of my fingers and I'll post it in the hope it gives some relief. SO even if I seem negative and hopeless, you have done good here - thank you.

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    1. Reaching out on a crap day is one of the best things you could do. Thanks for doing so here. It sounds like you are living a life that does not make you happy. That happens sometimes though. We all have stages where we have to push ourselves and sacrifice in ways we don't want to, the desires of our heart. I don't know much about you or your life but my hope is that you can find some time to ease the pressure and to spend more time with your cherubs xx

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  33. Thank you for sharing this Naomi! I have felt like this a lot in the past. More recently I have gotten to a stage that is like... coming out of the fog I guess, with a whole new perspective on life and feeling more like the real me than I have in a long time. Thanks for your courage in sharing your story.

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  34. Thank you for sharing.
    This was me, every day waking up with my first thought being "Do I feel better today......nope......bummer". If not for my kids, I would not have gotten out of bed. Many people are wrongly diagnosed with Depression or suffer in silence when Thyroid is not working. I strongly encourage women in particular, especially after having children to get your thyroid checked. It's unbelievable how I lose the will to live when not on the correct dose of medication. Also I suffered severe depression as a result of using Mirena, a VERY popular type of IUD. It kind of snuck up on me. Within 10 days of having it removed, my HUGE black cloud lifted. I've not looked back and got my old self back.
    Those suffering depression should seek therapy and medication without stigma. Feeling there is no point in that is a symptom of depression itself. With help, lives can be saved .......and enjoyed.

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    1. I have had some problem with my thyroid and was amazed when the doctor shared it can totally mimic depression. Getting a health check is really important in relation to depression. Thanks for the reminder and I love that you are getting your old self back. Woo hoo!

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  35. Similar to others who have posted a comment I too have had bouts of depression in the past, and while I feel clear of it today, I think it does re-surface at particular moments. What pains me is to hear so many that suffer, and more, that suffer without any 'safe' relief. Seeking help was so helpful to me to take back control of the 'fog' and teach me ways to manage through the 'fog'. I guess one of the main things was to write down the statement "dont believe the lies my mind is telling me" and reading over and over positive reaffirming statements kept in my purse or journal to pull out when I needed. ITs hard to tell ourselves positive things because we are so used to telling ourselves what we do wrong or badly. But we, each of us, are valuable precious individuals.
    Thanks to Naomi for getting the discussion going - and more than that providing an outlet for those who cant share this pain anywhere else. A prayer of strength and dignity to us all.

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    1. Having a positive statement or even a positive song makes a huge difference in turning those lies around. Keep saying it and keep singing them I say!

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  36. Worthless. Not good enough. That's what my brain bully tells me.
    So, I create, I find inspiring/funny things. I surround myself with beauty, encouragement and colour.
    One day I too hope to feel 'normal'
    {HUGS}

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    1. love that you are creating to uplift yourself. how awesome!

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  37. The fact that you put in a link to Beyond Blue shows that you are always thinking of the welfare of others... and reaching out is so, so important because depression is more widespread than you can imagine. In sharing your experiences, you are helping others. Not talking about it inadvertently creates a stigma, which can make things so much worse for people who have no idea where to turn when they are suffering. Your post is helping to change that. Keep fighting Naomi. xo

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  38. I wake up alone everyday and wonder why he is not here. Why he chooses to work out of town away from his beautiful family, why he can't see and chooses to not listen to how much I am hurting.
    Thank you for sharing, now that I am in tears again - lost count today.
    One day i will make the changes, but today I do not have the energy.
    Bless you and your honest writing it does help.
    Kate x

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  39. You are beautiful. You are worthy. And you are so honest. And so strong for sharing - and helping others with your story.
    I wish you all the best xx

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  40. I've only recently started reading your blog but thank you so much for sharing this post. I think we all battle at times to see the good in ourselves, whether we are diagnosed with depression or not. I know a single event, however minor, can see my self esteem plummet - and I hate that rollercoaster x

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  41. Oh Sweetheart. Thanks again for your trademark honesty and generosity in sharing your story. You know how much I *get* it. J x

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  42. Ah now I found your blog looking for Pacific Dawn Cruise reviews, this post touches me deeply, it is me.....most days more often than not, the inner voice is cruel and we don't deserve it so we continue to fight a good battle xxx

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  43. Wow, I've been following your blog for a little while now and had no idea that you suffered from depression. I'd love for you to come and read about my journey http://twoplusseven.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/easter-monday-2012.html
    I also suffer from depression and have had Post Natal Depression. I am new to blogging but have found that sharing our journey honestly has helped not only myself but in spreading the word about depression. I hope to continue spreading that word. Thank you for sharing.

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  44. AnonymousJune 12, 2012

    I just want to say thanks Naomi. Since i have discovered your blog page, its been a constant source of inspiration to me. I feel i have been having PND for about 8 months, and sometimes its hard to talk to anyone, even hard to push my mind through it. But, when i have bad moments i log on to your page, and read other peoples, and your experiences and it reminds me that iam not alone, and others have gone through this too...you really are doing so much good Naomi, more than you will ever know...xxx

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  45. Thanks for sharing that Naomi. I do know exactly how you feel. You describe a version of my usual day without (and occasionally even with) thyroid medication. Can I please beg any women feeling like this to have your thyroid checked. Thyroid problems (and SO many women in particular have them especially after giving birth) are often wrongly diagnosed as clinical depression. (I was one of those people). Depression can be a symptom of thyroid imbalance. Please consider the possibility - if you do have a thyroid problem, the RIGHT medication / alternative assistance can also be life changing. The dark cloud might be lifted for you like it has been for me. Also, I urge women using Mirena device as contraception to also keep this in mind as a potential "depression-maker". For me and hundreds of other women, having it removed was a life-saver. At the beginning it seemed like the perfect contraception, but over a 12 month period caused dramatic problems, especially with mood. Hugs to all of you who need `em and may you have the strength to let only those positive thoughts prevail. xxx

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    1. I just realised I wrote something similar 6 months ago - obviously my brain fog / memory issues aren't completely under control...hahah! Stupid Thyroid! x

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  46. Thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. I have that voice too, and the daily battle. I think by sharing we let others battling know they are not alone. And that is powerful. It took me a long time to be brave enough to do so, but people like you reassure me that it is the right path. And as others have said, you are beautiful, and accomplished and fantastic! Sometimes the hardest thing is silencing the inner critic! Love you work.

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  47. AnonymousJune 23, 2012

    Thanks for sharing and I don't feel so alone anymore.

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