Parenting without power struggles
Raising happy, resilient kids while staying cool, calm and connected.
Are you as shocked by that last statement as I am?
Sounds a little unreal doesn't it...staying cool, calm and collected as a parent!
I have a thing about parenting books, which is why I probably will never write one myself, as I am a big believer in trusting your instincts and parenting from the heart. I do however believe they are worth reading when you are starting out as a parent to give you some basic knowledge and techniques on how to discipline, to learn effective strategies and parent with values.
I was intrigued by the title of this parenting book and how Susan encourages you as a parent to come alongside your children to help them co-operate, rather than coming at them with threats and bribes. By staying calm and being confident as a parent she teaches you to parent from a strong connection with your child and to create a better parent-child harmony in your home. As a mother, psychotherapist and marriage/family therapist she uses her work experience to teach strategies and skills on how to deal with the challenges you will face with your children growing up.
While I appreciate that she has a wealth of knowledge and experience I could not get past the fact that she has only one child. With the many parenting books that I have read over the years I often find a common occurance: most family therapists only have one or two children. I know that is normal in today's society and that I am not the norm with a large family but it seems to me as if their work puts them off having any more. Being too judgemental? Probably. I have no idea why she has one child and really it is none of my business. Just my personal opinion which I am sure some of you will not agree with but while I do not doubt that she has great knowledge to share, the fact that she only has one child kind of put's me off wanting to take her advice. There is something to be said for the experience of a mother with several children in the home and dealing with power struggles. Sure, you have power struggles with one child, but with a large family I find that power struggles are taken to a whole new level!
I also find it is often easier to see what problems are happening in other people's homes, families and lives but harder to see what is happening in our own homes, families and lives and to make changes to improve them. I can give my friends advice and encouragement but to actually do it myself, whole new level of effort and hard work! Anyway, I read her book and put my personal opinions aside and enjoyed what she had to share.
So after reading her book here are some key points that I really enjoyed:
It is important to be in charge of your children, not in control of them.
Good relationships with your children help create resilience to dangerous, acting out behaviours.
Attachment (connection) to your children makes parenting easier.
A child grows up best when they have a variety of strong and loving attachments to caring adults around them.
It is essential that we sign up to be an important adult to other children.
A child becomes receptive if they feel us coming alongside them rather than at them.
Children open up when they feel we are genuinely interested in finding out who they are.
Kids only tell us their truth if we let them know that we can handle it.
Parents who intervene and give a child whatever they want, do them a disservice.
Children who believe that they can only be happy if events unfold in the way they wish become handicapped adults, unable to cope with disappointment.
When you ask your child to do something, speak as though you are in charge and then walk away with the assumption that they will do what you asked.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to delight in their unique interests, talents and personalities.
A child who is destined for success and joy is celebrated for who they are instead of who they could or should be.
When parents encourage a child to pay attention to the call of their heart they give them a profound gift.
By constantly stimulating our children with activities, we are depriving them of the chance to drop into the present moment.
Our children learn their greatest lessons by watching how we live our lives.
I find in my home, my challenging head butting parenting moments changed when I decided to pick my battles. Having a power struggle over every single issue is exhausting, depressing and horrible. Since I started picking my battles or in other words, deciding what issues were the most important to me, the power struggles started to disappear and the contention in our home also disappeared. I now only pick a few issues that I take a stand on as a parent and the rest of the time I am able to be relaxed and work on developing that closer connection and relationship with my children. I am still working on being cool, calm and collected all the time as a parent but I do believe I am trying my best to raise happy kids.
While this book will not solve all the problems you may have in your home it will give you some strategies and techniques to help improve your relationship with your children and bring a better feeling in your home. Susan does write in a style that is easy to read and she comes at parenting with a loving, caring attitude not one of force. Her book includes real life stories from her work that all parents could relate to.
She covers such questions as:
How can you get your children to do their homework without meltdowns, threats or bribes?
How can you have a drama-free morning where the kids actually get out the door in time for school?
How can you manage your child's screen time without making them want to hide what they are doing from you?
It is available to purchase from Simon & Schuster Here
Susan has her own website you might like to look at Parenting Without Power Struggles.
So tell me:
Do you have power struggles in your home? How do you deal with them?
Do you stay calm and collected?
*I was sent a free copy of this book to review and enjoyed it so I chose to share it on my blog*
I hear you!
ReplyDeleteAs a mum to 4 girls I find it hard to take advise from people who really have no idea what a day in our house is like! Lol
I do like the points from the book you high~lighted.....thanks :)
Kylie x
I love this blog post Naomi, agree with your point of view. It depends on my mood as to whether I stay calm, many times I sound like a ranting fishmongers wife!! However, when I do manage to stay steady it really does work so much better. Another book I read, and just grabbed the basic principles of was '1-2-3 Magic'. Comes back to basic parenting skills of being their parent first rather than their friend, sticking to what you say/threaten and not expecting children to behave as adults. On a final note, as a 'stepmum' to a 21 yr old boy I absolutely concur that not trying to make their world perfect is paramount. We find ourselves with an adult who can't cope with life, still doesn't have a job because he believes he's above packing shelves at the supermarket & treats us like an inconvenience because his parents tried to cushion every fall and fix every problem for him - all out fo love & a healthy does of guilt. Children need to experience disappointment to function in life & cope with the inevitable down times.
ReplyDeleteI agree - hardly any parenting books deal with large families. They will talk about sibling rivalry between a baby and a toddler, but what about the sibling rivalry with the 7 year old and the baby? And parenting younger kids when you have older kids who try to interfere with the parenting too (ie. 17 year old and 5 year old).
ReplyDeleteI too read many parenting books, but still fall back on the best wisdom in regards to parenting I ever received (from my Nan) - Trust your gut - you will always know your kids better than anyone!
While I only have 2 kids, I still find it hard to read parenting books and take their advice. Kids are so different - no two are the same, even in the same family, so blanket advice on how to deal with tantrums, how to discipline, etc, don't always work. I find it much easier to parent on instinct and trust that I'm doing a good job when I see my kids being happy, healthy and well balanced the majority of the time (they all have their moments).
ReplyDeleteI did like these points though:
1. Parents who intervene and give a child whatever they want, do them a disservice.
2. Children who believe that they can only be happy if events unfold in the way they wish become handicapped adults, unable to cope with disappointment.
3. By constantly stimulating our children with activities, we are depriving them of the chance to drop into the present moment.
We encourage our kids to be independent and to entertain themselves. They get to be who they want to be and choose a lot of things in their lives (they are still only 3 and 4 so we have a long way to go yet) but still know the word "No" and are starting to understand that they won't always get their own way, but that if they are good, they do get rewarded.
The best advice we were ever given was to trust our instincts when it comes to our kids, and I now give the same advice to all friends who become new parents. Books can only do so much in regards to advice.
Thanks for the review though. Don't think its something that I would buy myself though. Might read it if someone I knew had a copy. Thats just me though. :)
I like your key learning points. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGreat review! I have a large family too and am always looking for different approaches to parenting. Never know where you might find a great idea that works well on at least one of them! :)
ReplyDeletewow, i would love to read a book by u coz u would hve more knowledge on raising more than 3 children that people nowdays hve either 1,2,3. ive only got 2 children and do find them a challenge. i had my son tested by a psychology over the month and got his report back yesterday.turned out hes just an average boy in prep that we just need to keep an eye on his knowledge, build up his confidence and self esteem, problem what mite be cause by is my daughter - jealously. so his trouble behaviour that i couldnt figure out was all he wanted was attention and love.hes a boy that has no interest in sports, totally loves his legos starwars n starting to learn the wii which he enjoys in his own time, his world. there is alot of things that i hve to learn, i would love to hve another child but for me to stick to 2 children is to show them that everything is alright and love each other is important than being in depression and anxity which i now have to watch out for, for my son.
ReplyDeleteGreat Review Naomi, I agree with your points. I have 8 children and while I just smile sweetly at parents who give me advice I inwardly snarl at social workers fresh from Uni, never had a child, who try to give me text book parenting advice.
ReplyDeleteYou are on the mark about attachment. The difference between our biological children, our foster children and even the 2 we've fostered since birth is remarkable. The biggest power struggles come from the children who also struggle with attachment and trust.
We are just coming in for landing with our first born turning 18 tomorrow and I'm sure I'll shed some tears over having landed safely.
True too the biggest lesson is learn what mountains to die on (power struggles), pick and choose what struggles to walk away from, which ones to fight and conserve your energy.
Anyone who claims to know all the answers I've often invited them to 'wife' swap with me for a week!
In saying all this, I'm also open to accepting any golden nuggets of ideas from anyone if they are worth trying.
Great work Naomi
I have to agree with you. I do tend to read these types of books but only use what works. Some parenting models work really well for some children and not at all for others. It all depends on the child. I have eight, all boys yes but all very individual.
ReplyDeleteWe have three girls and a boy all 6.5 years to 2 years of age.I find alot of our issues are my OCD tendancies which I have gotten better with in the last year and learning how to do that changed alot in our home.I find i need more time to revel in my kids just as they are though.
ReplyDeletesomebody told me you don't know if you've been a good parent till you're child turns 40 (because the most important role of a parent is to teach their child to be a parent and a spouse, and you can't see if you've done a good job till then). So I've got a while to go hehe
ReplyDelete