I am often asked if we ever took anything into consideration when planning to have more children. I have shared already on my blog how we would write out a pro's and con's list on when to have a baby to get an idea of if we were really ready to have another child join our family. In reality, for Matt and I, the only real consideration we looked at was my emotional and mental health.
I say, my mental and emotional state, because generally Matt was away from the home working and I was the one who was handling most of the pressure and burden with raising the children, dealing with the finances, disciplining the children and keeping our home running smoothly whilst being seriously outnumbered!
There have been times when my mental and emotional state was not as good as I wanted it to be and we held back from having children. I know, this sounds weird seeing as we had seven children in nine years BUT we did not plan on twins and basically I would have had my children closer together if I felt I was more able to cope.
Of course with seven children so close together my main goal for myself has been to stay mentally sane, which at this stage of my life, as I start to now have teenagers, is highly questionable!
I believe that taking care of your mental and emotional health is so important if you are a mother. Children can test you in ways you could never dream of and the pressure of caring for so many young children can seem like a great burden some days. I also believe that many women suffer from some sort of mental health problem in those early years of having children and don't take the time to nurture themselves as much as they need to.
I am a big advocate for taking time out for yourself. I have had times where I have had to just stop and let life go. I have had to give myself permission to fall apart so I could see what state I was really in. To stop, to acknowledge and admit that yes, mentally and emotionally I was a mess and was struggling.
I guess for some women, admitting that they were mentally and emotionally a mess is not something they would ever do but for me I don't have a problem admitting it at all. I don't see myself as weak or a failure as a mother, I know I was just tired and had lost my way.
As I took that time out to rebuild my mind and to change my thoughts I was able to feel stronger, more able to cope and more able to lead and guide my family. Taking the time to say no to helping others, to attending events and as many commitments as I could allowed me to find the time to help myself, to find a new direction and to nourish my heart and mind.
Mothering is mentally and emotionally challenging. It tests you and stretches you. It also uplifts you, inspires you and allows you to use your mind in a new way as you ponder and dream of ways to raise your children. I find that being a stay at home mum gives me enough mental stimulation to keep my mind active and I love the challenge and find joy in the work I do in my home.
Even though I do enjoy it and love it, I still have days and weeks where I struggle. That is why keeping my mental health well is a priority for me. So much so, I wrote an ebook about how to find more meaningful moments in your life and to find those little pockets of happiness during your day.
Every so often I get so busy that I let it slip and it becomes not as good as I would like. I start to speak badly to myself and put myself down. When this starts to happen I know I need to nourish and care for myself as much as I do for my children and family. I am after all, the one they look to, the example of what happiness is and if I don't care for myself then how will they know to care for themselves....
And I think we all need to remember we cannot create happy children if we are not looking after ourselves first. Funnily enough I was just rereading your Happiness ebook last night...so many great ideas x
ReplyDeleteWell said. Happy mums (and dads) = happy kids.
DeleteThank you for your post Naomi .... what you have said is so true. I have suffered with depression for years and post natal depression with having children and there are times when I thought I wouldn't make it through. Somehow you do, but you have to make a choice to make it through. It doesn't always come easy.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there are lots of people that wouldn't admit they had mental health issues for any number of reasons, but admitting you need help is the only way to get the help that you need.
I love your honesty and I think that there will be many that will read your post and think, hey I feel that way do, even though they wouldn't want to say it out loud.
I only have two children but thats it for us simply because of my mental health. The funny thing is, when I tell people this I often think they don't get it, so I am so glad someone else does. I don't find any joy in the day to day responsibility, but after reading this I am really going to try and turn every thought when I feel 'stressed' into trying to see something to be grateful for. Thanks for sharing this.
DeleteGood for you - I learned that if I look after myself I can look after the rest of my family so much better - I just wish I had learned it sooner rather than later !!!
ReplyDeleteHave a great day !
Me
I have seven children also and I always say some time for yourself is very important. It does not have to anything 'special'. I also do not feel guilty when I have that time to myself. I think women in general put so much pressure on each other and themselves that they lose sight of the fact that it is OK to look after your self too. Who else is going to look after everything else?
ReplyDeleteI think this is soooo important to remember, even for those of us with small families. In our case, we stopped at one, because neither of us were emotionally and mentally ready for another at the time when the Munchkin would have benefited most from having a "playmate". We certainly got a lot of pressure from family to have another. I read in a book at the time that there was only one good reason to have another child, and that was because you really wanted one and felt you could offer them all the love and nurturing they would need. With me working nearly full-time outside the home at the time, hubby's mental and emotional state were just as important as mine, and he was barely coping with the responsibility, while I was barely coping with well... everything.
ReplyDeleteWe're happy with one. He is all we could have wished for in several children, all rolled into one. So while I know a lot of readers here prefer bigger families, don't feel you have to have another child (even it is to make up the "socially-appropriate" two) if you really don't think you are doing the best thing for yourselves, your current child/ren and your future child.
Great post Naomi! (And no, I still can't comprehend how you have the emotional, mental and physical resources to raise 7!)
Naomi
ReplyDeletethank you for the reminder - it is so vital to exercise our minds and heart daily - in being that we clear out the dark and bring in the light.
It is the only way to keep a sane path and smiles.
A mother gets lost almost daily with appreciation and that can become a sad heart.
So I feel making sure our minds and heart are clear and protected is most important
thank you again - lovely post
x Loulou
This is an awesome post.
ReplyDeleteI have 7 of my 8 children still living at home, and 2 grandchildren living here too.
Day to day it is hard work, and Yes, I feel so much better when I can grab bits and pieces of time for myself during the day.
Seriously the hardest job in the world..
ReplyDeleteLets take care of our minds as well as our bodies..
I have 2 teenagers and sometimes my brain is beyond fried!!!..xx
Seriously the hardest job in the world..
ReplyDeleteLets take care of our minds as well as our bodies..
I have 2 teenagers and sometimes my brain is beyond fried!!!..xx
Really excellent post. I've been thinking on this a lot lately. After the birth of our second child, I've had such strong feelings to have another baby. That being said, I LOVE being a mother of two, I feel like I've hit my groove, and that a third baby would tip me over the edge- so I'm waiting. My husband is really happy with two, but has agreed to talk about it again if after a year or so in the Navy I feel like I'm coping and would still love another child.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the refreshing post away from all the financial & health reasons to wait- I really identified with this and enjoyed reading every word.
Beautiful and inspiring post, I have been thinking about this topic lately as I have been feeling a little 'down' and we are expecting our second child, so this post really refreshed my mind and point of view about motherhood. Thankyou K xx
ReplyDeleteNaomi, we seem to be on the same journey. I've learnt the hard way that my health, physically, mentally and emotionally need to be number one. I am not the best mother I can be without my health. Many blessings to you
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful and thoughtful post! I agree - as mothers we nurture so much! But nurturing ourselves is so very important too! Needed this reminder x
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