breaking chains

Most of my life I have fought to break chains. Heavy chains that others have clamped on me and smaller chains that I have placed upon myself. These chains have held me back, weighed me down, determined my decisions and controlled a lot of my thinking and feelings about myself. Basically, these chains stopped me from being the person I knew deep down I wanted to be.

For many years I felt powerless against the chains. I would fight to free myself, only to find I would end up right back where I started: shackled in chains of steel weighing me down. It was as if I was frozen in time. Unable to move forward or backward, just stuck in the same spot feeling miserable. The chains also felt too heavy for me to carry, yet, I could not find the inner strength to take a stand against them or to cut them loose.

As I would look at myself in the mirror each day I would battle. I would tell myself I was strong, I could fight and that I contained all the inner strength I needed to take control of my own life. Then I would go out to face the day and crumble. I would weaken and shrink from the task before me - to start a new tradition of living a healthy emotional and happy life - and find myself back doubting every positive thought and belief I had worked hard to change.

Every day life would trigger emotions, memories and feelings. My mind would flood with beliefs that I was nothing, that I was unloveable and that I was damaged goods. As I battled to stop myself from surrendering to these beliefs I would think of my future family and children. I would think of the type of mother I wanted be and for me that type of mother was not a woman who was bringing children into the world while she was chained to a negative, dark self belief wall.

So I decided to fight and I fought a hard fight to break those chains, for myself and for my future family. To do this I clawed my way out of the dark hole in my mind. I did whatever it took: I got on my hands and knees, I crawled, I stumbled and some days I ran as fast as I could away from those chains. I kept moving forward each and every day as best as I could towards the belief that I was a worthwhile person and loveable.

The more I moved forward, the more determined I became and I started to move forward with ease and lightness in my step and heart. With no steel to hold me down, no weight crushing my heart, I started to feel that I could soar. Breaking the chains, taking control and realising it was all up to me has allowed me to let my mind run free, to let my spirit rejoice and to let my heart feel love again. Love firstly for myself and secondly for my family.

Today I see myself as a chain breaker. I am starting a new tradition: raising a family who is free from chains to hold them down. I have worked hard over the years to be the kind of mother I envisioned I could be for my children. I am not perfect and fall short many, many days, but I am not chained down anymore in how I parent or with how I feel about myself.

The last thing I ever wanted was to pass on any of those chains to my children. I wanted to be free of all chains so I could devote my time, attention and thoughts to my large family as much as possible. I am so happy that my cherubs have a mother who can smile, has wings to fly and a heart who can love. I know I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband and seven cherubs who fill my heart with love each and every day.