Saturday, November 10, 2012

writing from the heart: living with an angry heart

As you know I am currently writing a book. I have over the last few weeks developed a newfound respect for those who write. I am personally finding it an incredible journey. I am learning and developing and discovering my voice. My writing voice, my blog voice and my voice in my heart. As I am writing a memoir, it is even more challenging. Part of me finds this absolutely crazy as I am still only young but another part of me can't resist the challenge of telling my story so far. It is emotional and it is mentally draining. Like right now I have a problem with the main character in my book, namely myself! Trying to escape yourself each day is a difficult task and it is one of the reasons why I am trying to write this book as fast as I can. 

{Just passed the 30,000 word mark by the way!}

In thinking of how I am going to share this book I at first thought I needed to create a new website for it as I want to keep my blog more of a happy place. A positive place focused on family. However, this book I am writing is part of me. It is also part of my blog voice. I have written about some confronting issues here on my blog and tried to write about them in a positive way. I have shared how my heart has been hurt, how I have worked hard to develop my self esteem and how I have spent a great deal of my life angry and depressed. I am also writing a lot about this in my book. It is more about how I have tried to overcome those feelings than the experiences surrounding them. It is not really a self help book for others but more how I chose to help myself during my life.

I wrote a blog post about living with an angry heart in September this year. I published it and then took it off. I felt it was too dark for my blog. But, you know what? What I wrote is me and this blog is all about me and my life. My words were part of my life and how I have felt at that time. At first when I published it I felt brave, I felt it would help others and then I felt like I had maybe gone to far. That I had been too bold and too honest. 

Writing a blog is a learning experience. I have no problem sharing that I struggle with the choices I make on here some days. I try to be consistent and confident with what I have to say but some days I make mistakes and let my emotions get the better of me. So I now I want to republish it and own it. It is a little taste of what I am writing about each day. It is an insight into my heart and who I am. Right now I am embracing who I am and where I have come from. I have come a long way and I want to encourage others to take the same journey. 

So here are my words from September. Some of you have already read them and I really appreciate you taking the time to do that. I also know I may be coming across as a little crazy or even stupid doing this but right now I am deep in loving and owning my own story and this is what I need to do to encourage myself to be braver and to own who I really am. Who I am is not always nice and sweet and lovely. I am real, I feel, I hurt and I work hard to be better. 

"I know a thing or two about living with an angry heart. I spent much of my younger years full of hatred. The kind of hate that makes you want to hurt someone. The kind of hate that makes you want to hurt them so bad that they never take another breath.

Living with an angry heart is like living with oil and ice flowing through your veins. Oil because it flows and slides as fast as lightning from your heart to every nook and cranny of your body and is so dark that it consumes every thought and feeling you possess. Ice because hatred is a cold feeling. It tricks you into thinking that what you are feeling is good when in reality it leaves you numb.  Your heart becomes frozen. Unable to feel any love and kindness and all you feel is hate. 

Pure rage and hate.

My favourite song when I was a youth was 'Janie's Got a Gun' by Aerosmith. Steve Tyler and I. We bonded. We understood each other and he said the words I was longing to say. I sang that song as loud as I could and felt those words deep in my heart and I wanted that gun.

The hard part for me was that I grew up in a home with a gun. I knew where it lived and where to get it and how I wanted to use it. How I wanted to follow those lyrics and heal myself from hatred. I had days where I felt that firing that shot would solve my problems. Where I was fully prepared to suffer the consequences. Such was the angry heart I owned and nurtured.

So what do you do when you have an angry heart and nobody wants to listen?
You cry. You scream. You leave. You face the unknown and you stare that hatred in the face and deal with it. Alone. As best you can. With what you have. Yourself and your thoughts.

You fight it. You fight it until you are exhausted. You fight it until you feel crazy and mentally insane. You hang by a thread and tell yourself that no gun is going to make this better. You hang there and repeatedly tell yourself that the only way to make this better is to provide YOURSELF with all you need. That you are in control of your heart. That the oil and ice is poison and can be removed.

That you can be cleansed and if you work hard enough, believe in yourself enough, then that sweet innocent heart of yours that was hurt and damaged and stained can be replaced with all the love that it was meant to have, all the kindness that it deserved to find and with all the tenderness that a young child deserves.

With all this work you slowly begin to start to feel a warmth. It is a feeling that is new, scary even and you wonder if you can help it to grow. Soon it has turned into a delicate trickle of happiness that starts to flow within. At first you are surprised. It almost shyly starts to move forward and to possess more of your heart. You carefully encourage it and nurture it. Some days you feed it and it begins to grow. Other days it hurts so much you leave it barren and bare.

Eventually, the hatred slowly disappears and with much work and effort you find yourself feeling comfortable and even delighted with the new heart you are creating. It is a wonder to you. Creating a new heart is possible at anytime in our lives. For me I have created a new heart several times in my life.

I have had my own beautiful heartbreaks and have been blessed to have mended them throughout my lifetime thus far. I know by sharing this I can come across totally crazy and a danger to society but that is what can happens to a child when they are abused and nobody listens and they have to counsel themselves and heal their own heart. 

I am damn proud of the work I have done on myself and continue to do to keep myself sane. I love to write about it because I believe that by speaking about it I give other people hope that healing can happen and is possible."

It is done. I have owned it. It is me. Now to go back to what I am spending a lot of my time doing: writing my heart out. It may be currently sending me a little crazy but I am hanging in there and am determined to get this book finished. Bring on the last 20,000 words! Did I just say that?!?