little girl lost

Memories of my childhood are very sparse. It is as if they float around in my mind in a scattered mess and every so often I manage to reach through the fog to grasp a moment, a memory. Most of my childhood feels like it is lost because I simply can't remember it. A lot of it I have blocked out. When this happens I quickly prepare myself. I never know if it is going to be a good or a bad memory. I am still trying to remember moments of my life that I have blocked out. Moments that I was participating in so that I can help use them to piece together my life. So much of my life is a blank and I am slowly filling in the gaps to work out who I am.

On my recent trip to see family I spent an afternoon looking through photo albums. I was delighted to find many pictures of myself as a young girl looking happy and enjoying life with my younger sister. I took pictures of them and soaked in my own personal history. It was simply delightful! Then I turned a page and found this picture below. I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.

When I look back at pictures of myself as a child I feel a deep sadness. As an adult with a more mature outlook I can see I am often smiling in a picture and I look happy on the outside but on the inside I know I am carrying deep shame and a secret. I know I still have an innocence about me but also I can see that it has been taken away. I can also see a shyness, a desire to please and a desire to be happy.

Sure I had moments of happiness during my life but in my mind most of my memories are of the desire to want to run away, to hide, to let the anger out and of the building pressure in my mind and heart to be better. At first when I found this image, I wanted to reach out, to love and to nurture this little girl and to help her in any way I could. Then I realised that I am already doing those things. I am loving myself now and I am nurturing and helping myself the best way that I can. I may be a few years late in making this happen, but it is happening and that is all that matters. I no longer feel like a little girl lost.

Even though I still have pieces of my life I can't remember, I truly feel like I am found. I am happy with my life and I am no longer trying to run away from it. Even though I felt a great sadness when I first saw this picture, I now look at it and feel proud of how far I have come. I am no longer that little girl lost, I am a survivor and thriver who has worked hard and is completely found.