Saturday, February 2, 2013

little girl lost

Memories of my childhood are very sparse. It is as if they float around in my mind in a scattered mess and every so often I manage to reach through the fog to grasp a moment, a memory. Most of my childhood feels like it is lost because I simply can't remember it. A lot of it I have blocked out. When this happens I quickly prepare myself. I never know if it is going to be a good or a bad memory. I am still trying to remember moments of my life that I have blocked out. Moments that I was participating in so that I can help use them to piece together my life. So much of my life is a blank and I am slowly filling in the gaps to work out who I am.

On my recent trip to see family I spent an afternoon looking through photo albums. I was delighted to find many pictures of myself as a young girl looking happy and enjoying life with my younger sister. I took pictures of them and soaked in my own personal history. It was simply delightful! Then I turned a page and found this picture below. I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.


When I look back at pictures of myself as a child I feel a deep sadness. As an adult with a more mature outlook I can see I am often smiling in a picture and I look happy on the outside but on the inside I know I am carrying deep shame and a secret. I know I still have an innocence about me but also I can see that it has been taken away. I can also see a shyness, a desire to please and a desire to be happy.

Sure I had moments of happiness during my life but in my mind most of my memories are of the desire to want to run away, to hide, to let the anger out and of the building pressure in my mind and heart to be better. At first when I found this image, I wanted to reach out, to love and to nurture this little girl and to help her in any way I could. Then I realised that I am already doing those things. I am loving myself now and I am nurturing and helping myself the best way that I can. I may be a few years late in making this happen, but it is happening and that is all that matters. I no longer feel like a little girl lost.

Even though I still have pieces of my life I can't remember, I truly feel like I am found. I am happy with my life and I am no longer trying to run away from it. Even though I felt a great sadness when I first saw this picture, I now look at it and feel proud of how far I have come. I am no longer that little girl lost, I am a survivor and thriver who has worked hard and is completely found.

10 comments:

  1. OMG, this picture is (sadly) very similar to one I have of myself at 8 years old. I can't even look at it because of what it tells me of my childhood and how I really felt at the time. I even have trouble looking at your picture above and completely understand what you mean. I am on the road (but not there yet) with the compassion for the little girl inside.
    Thanks so much for sharing.

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  2. Reading stories like this remind me how very lucky I am to have had a wonderful childhood. I wasn't even aware that we weren't that well off...my parents did a good job. If I can do as well or even a bit better for my girls, I'll have accomplished my life's goal :)

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  3. I so appreciate this post. I have many years of my childhood that I have no memory of. I grew up in a an abusive home with an alcoholic father. From reading the post I've read of yours so far I have a feeling that our childhoods have many similarities. For years it was very hard to look at pictures of myself and my family of our growing up years. In many of them I look so sad. I see pictures and I have no memory of those moments. It wasn't until much later in my life(as an adult)after I had forgiven and made peace with the past that I could look at those pictures. Still, even now I can feel a weird uncomfortable feeling when looking at them. So I tend to avoid looking at them. I am so thankful to be where I am today. I have come so far from where I was. I am no longer a victim and none of those things dictate who I am today. Thank you for sharing your story. I find great comfort in reading your words. Bless you. XXOO

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  4. Oh I'm crying. You look so little and vulnerable. You have such s beautiful family now and I'm glad you are healing.
    Corrie xxxxx

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  5. Oh I'm crying. You look so little and vulnerable. You have such s beautiful family now and I'm glad you are healing.
    Corrie xxxxx

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  6. you were a little girl lost but now you have a woman found and an amazing one at that.

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  7. Your strength is remarkable. And inspirational. x

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  8. You write your therapy Naomi. You are so very brave to do so xxx

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  9. Thank you for sharing Naomi. Sometimes we say what others can't and recognise this in our self. As you write you share your strength and your courage and that, I think, is a blessing to others. The things that happen to us as children can be very difficult to deal with, but this shows that we can eventually deal with them and move on. We never truly forget, I know that I never will .... but for us as adults we have to move forward and not stay stuck. There are many things I can't remember from my childhood because not only did I experience abuse, but also lost my father when I was 6 yrs old. I guess we have to acknowledge the bad things that happen to us, and put them in the place where they belong. Thank you Naomi for your courage to share.

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  10. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with your followers. The best way that I can think of to describe how this photo spoke to me is to say that it hit me in the gut. I keep coming back to this post and looking again at the little Naomi, the sad desperate little girl who is now being looked after and nurtured by the adult Naomi.

    Thank you for your wonderful writings. I love the honesty of all your posts.

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