Thursday, August 14, 2014

The awkward conversation I had with myself in public

A week ago I had a very awkward conversation with myself, outloud...in public. It was both embarassing and enlightening at the same time. Here is a little background information.

Firstly, now that I have completed my baby steps plan number 1, I have moved onto working my way through baby steps plan number 2. This second plan involves me pushing myself physically a little more and it involves running.

If you have been following my blog for a while you will know that I have had a long time love/hate battle with running. At times I have been successful at keeping up a running plan and at other times I have fallen in a heap at reaching my running goals.

Right now at this stage of my life where I am doing all I can to help myself live a life of vitality, I feel  that running is part of the answer to help me get back on my feet. After much thinking, research, reading and pondering and looking at all of the different techniques that have worked for me in the past, I kind of have 2 main choices right now: medication or running.

I have tried medication before. It simply doesn’t work for me. I know it works for many people and it sure has an important place to help many people while they are feeling depressed but for me it makes me worse. Much worse.

So I am left with running. That is my choice right now. To me it also feels like the most craziest, hardest, painful course to take. Which is why I constantly battle in my mind about this choice I have made.

All of this brings us to the awkward conversation. Here is how it played out:

I decided one morning to map out a 5km walk to take. I get myself ready, leave the house and start my walk. After about 2km I start to remember just how far 5km really is and realise that this is not going to be an easy task.

At the 3km mark something surprising starts to happen. My body starts to warm up and wants to run. I immediatly go into this panic mode and my mind begins going crazy telling me there is no way that I should be attempting to run in public!

My thoughts go like this:

You body wants to run...give it a go.
There is no way I am running in public. Are you crazy!
You body feels ready to give it a try..make it happen.
Are you for real? People will see you, you are so unfit, do not do it.

This goes on for a little while and then without realising it I stop on the side of the footpath and start talking to myself out loud...oh dear!

“Do it. Just give it a try. Start running”
“No. I can’t do it. People will see me. I will die of embarrassment.”
“Just try it. I won’t hurt to give it a try”
“No. Not going there. People will laugh. A car will crash or something”
“Naomi. These are just thoughts. If they are not helpful, don’t listen to them.”

I look around. I look up and down the road.

“True. These are just thoughts in my mind and there is no harm in giving running a go.”
“Just try it and see what happens.”

So I did. I gave it a try. I ran out in public and guess what? Nothing major happened. Nobody laughed at me, nobody yelled at me, no cars crashed.

I even ran three different times on the way home to finish off my 5km walk. When I got home I had a laugh about that awkward conversation I had outloud with myself and laughed even more when I thought of what my kids would say when I told them. Yes! Mum has really lost it!

So much of depression for me is about the battle I have with myself in my mind. It is absolutely exhausting. I am working on taking away that battle and finding I can reach my goals so much faster when I do.

Of course, for those of you who already think I am a little weird and quirky, after reading this blog post I am pretty sure it will seal the deal for you. But...you know what...I am still trying to fight this and still trying to be better and right now that is all I ask of myself.